Tag Archives: social patterns

Bullies and Blame

I’ve been struggling with composing a post about human expression and fragility, but it’s as though my brain synapses are clogged with chunky cement soup, hardening slowly, threatening to mold into a frozen stillness forever.  Maybe that is a little melodramatic…  Actually, the thoughts and connections just aren’t quite firing as expected and the concepts have not come fully together.  Amazing how fragile even communication methods seem to be.

While that “fragility post” conflict has not been conquered as of yet, during the thought process, a related topic snagged my attention – bullies and bully behaviors blamed so often that “bully”  appears to have become the news headline of the season.  Coincidence or not, the multiple events that recently flooded the front pages were reported by media to have been motivated by bullying, or carried out by those who may have been bullied.  There were the violent tragedies involving teenagers committing suicide, and involving a kid bringing a gun to school to kill others.  And there was the parent accusing a winning high school football team of bullying with their high score. And most recently, a NFL player’s behavior towards a teammate was described as bullying.

Whether “bully” is appropriate or not in each instance, through the media presentation, “bully” has become the scapegoat, the focus, the blame.  Perhaps it is the victim mentality perpetuated by mainstream media.  Perhaps it is the same old broken record of needing to find something or someone to blame in order to identify a problem to fix.  Maybe the concept of blame is getting some plastic surgery, a new face. The face of a bully – and no one likes a bully.

I remember a particular bully at my junior high school who for some reason simply hated my best friend.  No particular reason for the hate, and the bully intimidated my friend with biting words and dagger stares in the hallway, which were reinforced and enhanced when the bully walked by with several of her friends.  The bully sessions never progressed to punches or physical contact, but most of the time that is not needed to fully get the bully intention across.   Of course, today, add technology and social media and bullying becomes much easier to accomplish and more widespread.  From personal experience and just living through the public school system (okay, just living within our society), bullying behavior exists and can have severe consequences. But, does it deserve all the blame? Or is this only a method of thinking and does “blame” even need to be established?

Of course, this line of questioning leads to additional questions.   But maybe it’s worth wading through the question marks.

If not bullies, what should the focus be?  I definitely do not have a definitive answer, but do bullies cause suicide?  I don’t ask that out of insensitivity, but I’m just trying to see another perspective, another “how” of thinking.  Because the one that is offered to me through media just isn’t working out.  What about focusing on elements within an individual and an environment that directly impact methods of thought such as self esteem, self confidence, peer pressure vs thinking for yourself, communication, creative expression, stress/anger management, self defense tactics (physical and emotional) and creating personal boundaries?  – a discussion applicable and relevant on a society level, for everyone, not just the “bully” and the “receiver.”

Changing the focus, not to change the “blame”, but to change how one even thinks about the issue.  At this point, I have an engrained expectation to hear about violent bully tragedies on a daily basis. I expect news stories about the next school shooting to be caused by bully behavior.  How am I thinking? Do I want to continue with a reaction-based frame of mind, or does that strengthen victim behavior? Instead of reactive and waiting for the next incident, what if I change the perspective to pro active, aware of the behaviors, motivations and intentions surfacing to the extent that the actions are not simply thrown to the scapegoat of “bully?” Perhaps the whole concept of “blame” should disintegrate from our vocabulary and method of thinking.

© M.R.Collier, A Way of Your Own, 2013

Sexism: Loop Spin Twist

I have been thinking about sexism and the part I play in reinforcing the fences created by others (and possibly myself) that ultimately bound me tighter. Talk about frustration loop.  At times, this one feels insurmountable, even though I know that just a small twist of the perception could release a tunnel of light revealing an entire scene that I never knew existed. I just haven’t fully developed that twist, but I’m working on it.  Here’s the progression…..

The Loop:

Boundaries can remain invisible until they are crossed, or at least attempted. Then, they can come to life maybe as a block, or a shock, or simply dead weight trapping the contained in place. Sexism is one of the many actual expressions of boundaries reinforced by society standards, expectations and rules. Sexism has polluted my existence since I ran into my first boundary and didn’t like it.

When do I experience sexism?  Every time I walk out the front door.  What about inside the home?  When I read the news?  When I watch a TV show?  When I talk with my parents? When I have a conversation with my significant other?  When I write in my journal?  Wow, yes, even when I write in my journal. What re-occurring voices have lodged themselves so tightly in my brain that I think they have been there since I was born and are hissing slow leaks of sexist BS, playing on fears, enhancing doubts?  When am I sexist towards a man, or to another woman?  Here is the scary thing – am I even aware of it?  A behavior and mindset so engrained in my setting that it is difficult to identify that the process is even going on.

Spinning:

Recently, I saw an article regarding an ad created for the organization, UN Women. (http://www.unwomen.org/en/news/stories/2013/10/women-should-ads). They had used the initial words for searches including “women cannot…”; women shouldn’t…..”; “women need to…”; “women should…” and allowed the google ‘auto complete’ feature to suggest the search most likely to be used.  Those search suggestions declared discriminatory and sexist sentiments.  At first, I could hardly believe it and yes, I tried out the searches myself.  They came up with slightly altered sayings but none of them positive, all judgmental and highlighting the limits of women’s stature in this society.  I was pissed off.

I suppose the ad had done it’s job.

I really don’t need this ad to remind me that sexism and discrimination are still prevalent in my world.  I experience it, view it and read about it daily.  Most behavior is so socially acceptable, I probably only consciously register half of the BS flying around.  And since the normalized behavior is the real danger of being forgotten, ads such as this one serves as a reminder.  At the same time, the endeavor is still manipulating.  The chosen searches were addressing women as subservient, submissive children in the first place, choosing commanding and authoritative words (should and shouldn’t; need to and cannot).  Of course, this could be part of the point; I can get that.  The searches are judgmental and authoritative to begin with.  The thing is, I would never need to ask for guidance from google (or any other portal to the internet) what women need to, should or shouldn’t, or cannot.

I think that the genuine message in this ad was unfortunately the text that was the hardest to see.

“Women cannot accept the way things are”;

“Women shouldn’t suffer from discrimination anymore”;

“Women should have the right to make their own decisions”;

“Women need to be seen as equal”.

It’s okay to bold that – right up front, not hidden behind shock value. Those are commands that everyone should be able to demand with clear authority.

 

The Twist:

Over the summer, I read Frank Bruni’s New York Times Op-Ed article titled “Sexism’s Puzzling Stamina.”  Inspiration for the piece came from a photo taken during a Congressional Hearing regarding sexual assault and harassment in the military.  In the photo, only a couple of women could be seen.  Women were in the minority, when the hearing was specifically about the sexual assault of women.  In the article, Bruni, as well as most who commented on the piece were baffled, puzzled, and frustrated that sexism continues in our society.  And their frustration was contagious.  For instance, I tried to imagine that the opinion article had been written by a woman. I had to ask if it would have been published, or if it would have had the same responses.  And then, I stopped myself from going down that “what if” road paved in jaded confusion and blame.  That’s the cycle and there has got to be another way to approach the topic.  Perhaps that is why all the “isms” are lingering; good people who want brilliant change and goodwill get stuck in patterns that ultimately feed the internal anger, but never lead to fruitful solutions.

Mr. Bruni’s article points out that there hasn’t been much development on getting rid of sexism.  I think all the “ism”s are continuing full force in our society.  Still going strong, and maybe now we are adding a few.  I think age-ism is definitely one that doesn’t get enough press.  So, why is sexism continuing in a rampant march down the middle of our culture?  I know that we live in a patriarchy; we define winners and success primarily through power struggles; and many things in our culture tend to be judged against a white-male standard. Perhaps it’s a domination culture.  How often is that ole “survival of the fittest” argument given with a shrug and helpless hands gesture?  Like we can’t seem to help it because we’ve given our power over to a saying that’s been around for a while and pounded into our brains. It’s a rampage of isms, defining ourselves by them, defining ourselves by our differences from others, deciding that certain traits are more valuable than others.

So, if I am worried that I may be continuing sexist behavior, reinforcing the normality and perpetuating the boundaries, to my friends, colleagues and even myself, what tangible things can I do?  Monitoring every behavior seems an ominous undertaking. But what about an umbrella effect. Intention. Intention encompasses all of my behavior, action, and communication.  What’s my intention?  Let’s take “positive empowerment.”  Intention transcends emotion and perhaps even compassion, empathy, sympathy, unless maybe that is my intention.  Focus on the intention of positive empowerment.  Anytime I engage with myself, my significant other, a bus driver, a customer service rep, hold the intention.  It applies not just to me, but to the interaction.

Is this an alternate perspective that is possible?  Well, I just thought of it while submerged in this chaotic culture.  Intention and awareness of how one interacts is not beyond mainstream capacity, I think.  I suppose we have learned how to normalize certain intentions already.  For example, the intention of social self preservation and the use of guilt, persuasion, or compromise to achieve it.  Perhaps recognizing intention is not beyond this world’s capability and could perhaps be a new direction that is within reach.

it is what it is

Is it?  The more I thought about the phrase and its ramifications (empowerment/disempowerment), the more tangents, layers and possibilities I found.  I’ve tried to verbalize my thoughts here without excessive babble, which was definitely a challenge.  But, I think the discussion about this phrase is important.  Here’s what I’ve got.

For the past week or so, I have been hearing “it is what it is” thrown around the office where I work.  I guess I may have heard this phrase in the past, but never picked up on it as much as I did last week.  I started noticing the words after I actually said them myself.  As the words were leaving my mouth, time slowed.  I almost felt a slight possession, as if I left my body and thought to myself “what are you about to say?/what are you saying?”  I felt, then heard the words leave my lips; an exact repetition of what I had heard someone else saying earlier that morning.

This snagged my attention immediately.  Why did I say that? What does the phrase even mean to me and why did I just spread that to somebody else?  It was like I was trying this phrase on for size and something just felt completely wrong about the fit.  I listened for those words the rest of the week, heard them an uncanny number of times and was starkly aware of how often I wanted but stopped myself from saying the contagious phrase.

So, what is behind this handful of words and why are they so easy to say?  Some possibilities:

“It is what it is.”  Said with a dismissive wave of the hand. No time or care to realize how the “it” will inevitably impact the day; just continue on without thought regarding what may be compromised.

“It is what it is.”  Said with a shrug of the shoulder, a defeatist frown resigned to the lack of control and submissive to the new boundaries set into place.

“It is what it is.”  Said with a nod of the head, accepting the situation as it has been laid out and acknowledging the new challenges, while attempting to work within the new confines of the reality.

The phrase.  Almost like a magical spell.  The words are simple, repetitive, and when I had said them, the transference of power was so evident to me that time even slowed down for me to witness the energetic exchange.  Perhaps the sentiment held when saying the phrase empowers the conditions and the boundaries of whatever “it” is, by acknowledging them and allowing them to have an impact on perspective and choice.  In addition, at least from my experience at the office, the phrase, those five small words, became an infectious unit – alive, powerful and readily used again.  The repetition perpetuated the message and increased its strength.

This phenomena happened, coincidentally or not, during a week of government shutdown and the phrase was heard several times in a government office. A reflection of morale?  A method of trying to find a solid ground, or personal control?  Maybe.

So, I started thinking outside of this specific situation, trying to grasp another perspective.  Phrases charged from the power given to them by users in turn perpetuate the normal status, making the phrases every day and used more often, thereby gaining more power and a stronger hold in the fabric of everyday normalcy.  Okay, so the impact and lasting impression of certain words, of sayings is ultimately a learned normal.  And changing the words, the sayings, changes the frame of normalcy.

However, regardless of the frame or even the picture, the choice to hold onto or give away your power remains with you.  The cycle, the transfer stems from the individual decision, mine and yours.